Written from a space of: Unhealed Emotions
Photo by Cristian Palmer on Unsplash
Awaiting her results, she innocently lied in the bed
Suddenly, all the trauma guiltily replayed in my head
“Oh yea, I’m praying for you” is what I eventually I said
Because you see in that moment, my heart was torn
I saw of the version that God sees but felt the version little Nyta still feels
The version she had to push to the back of her mind so that she could heal
Suppressed Wounds, was my friend
Her talk was a whisper of sweet nothings
That had a promise of new beginnings
But it all sounded like thunderous rumblings
That I just could no longer ignore, anymore
But she wanted me to push pass the pain
See pass this made-up vision she shared
And collectively get on board
And believe that she cared
Suppressed Wounds was my calm
Her song played on repeat, tearing me down in such sweet melodies
Cut so deep that I couldn’t even find the wounded entities
Nor feel them
Even now in this tender moment, the light of her gas illuminated
So bright that I wasn’t able to articulate what she backhandedly communicated
Her authenticity I was left deciphering yet again
Questioning my reality just like back then
Suppressed wounds was my normal
To her we were an illusion
A made up figure of her imagination
To me, we were not a we, but rather she was a she
The one who took the essence of me
And created a people pleasing version of me
I was only a child wanting to explore the depths of me
But I was told there was no me
Only what she wanted me to be
And so she disoriented me
Until there was no more me
Suppressed Wounds was my safe haven
Went out into the world and found another version of her who shared the same vision
But while I could divorce him, I couldn’t her in the name of self-love
So, we stay pretending like we are still in love
Like our relationship was this one contiguous line
That didn’t have dashes and dots or clusters and clots
So I’m stuck
Wanting her to heal
Being ok if she didn’t
Is that wrong to say?
Wrong to feel?
Ask my suppressed wounds how I should feel
While they made me feel whole
Made me feel healed
Kept me in control
Helped me to feel real
They sit in darkness, anxiously waiting to be for real for real healed
But even as I attempt to bring it to the surface, I’m unable to
The fog is too thick and the journey has been way too long
Besides, I would look like the villain and the guilt would be too strong
But it’s cool
I’ll brush all of my emotions aside
And continue to be the good girl who always abides
(Yea that’s me)
So, Suppressed Wounds, hang in there
I promise I’ll get to you and free you one day
But for now, suppressed you are and suppressed you must stay
Suppressed Wounds
: Juanyta ~ with a ‘y’
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